Heartbreak and Hardships…sometimes life sucks


Sometimes I feel like I’m forced to face the same challenge a hundred times over. Same people, similar circumstances, over and over and over again. It seems like no matter what I do, I find myself in the middle of a new act in the exact same circus. It’s not easy. It’s not fun. It takes it’s toll on my body, my mind, and my spirit. Sometimes I swear I can feel my heart cracking.

As much as each experience breaks my heart a little more than the last, I continue to be grateful for the lessons I have learned along this bumpy road;

  1. Things are rarely as they seem
  2. Everyone wants to be heard, not everyone wants to be helped
  3. Dishonesty can take many forms; half-truths, withheld information, and deliberate misleading. Sometimes it pays to dig a little deeper
  4. Every person is doing the best that they can with the knowledge that they have
  5. I can only help people that want to be helped and only to the extent that they want to be helped
  6. Everyone needs, deserves, and is entitled to compassion and encouragement
  7. Mistakes are inevitable – Apologies are necessary
  8. The more you give, the more people will take; Personal boundaries are vital to personal well-being
  9. When I do the same as I’ve done, I continue to see the same results

Number 10 …. If I continue to find myself in the middle of a destructive cycle, it’s time to ask the question; what role do I play in the cycle? Am I enabling the pattern?

I usually take on the role of peacekeeper, which sometimes also translates to ‘enabler’.Β  I’ve allowed myself to be played as the rope in the middle of a tug-a-war (a war that isn’t even mine to fight!). I am responsible for taking on those roles. By removing myself from the cycle, change in that cycle is inevitable.

Not so long ago, I had the opportunity to put this theory to the test. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It was easily one of the most liberating as well.

We are all responsible for the choices we make in our lives. We are all responsible for the roles we play in it as well. If things aren’t working as they should, then is it not our responsibility to instill change?

Go for it!

Embrace your awesomeness!

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy Friendships, Forgiveness, and Jelly Beans

As always, I love to hear your thoughts πŸ™‚ Feel free to leave your comments here or private messages can be sent via facebook

Insomnia – The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

01 insomnia2 In the beginning Insomnia was good to me. It spoiled me with unexpected, uninterrupted time to myself. I had time to clean the house, do laundry (of course I didn’t use the time for that, I chose to write instead). I was blinded by quiet beauty of it. This is the part I like to refer to as ‘the honeymoon stage’.

What you need to know about Insomnia

Insomnia unleashes the beast within. It transforms the meek into the fierce.

It bestows upon us the power of realization and deep insight. When one suffers a good bout of insomnia, one becomes acutely aware of just how seriously irritating the world can be.

Insomnia offers X-Ray vision – the ability to see through bullshit.

Be warned! This gift does not come free!

This ‘superpower of sorts’ is given to you in exchange for your patience – the very patience you would normally use to deal with all that bullshit.

Even though you lie with BOTH eyes open, it will rob you! Ever heard of the thief in the night? That’s Insomnia! It robs you of any and all sense of time you once had. No longer would you have the luxury of knowing what day it is, you would be lucky to know what year and month it is.

Insomnia is a ruthless killer. It kills all the antibodies in your system that keep you healthy and strong. In the beginning, I blamed those little fighters for giving up on me when I needed them most. But as I learned to master my X-ray BS powers, the real perp became obvious to me.

In my darkest hour, …. oh, who am I kidding? My darkest hour probably lasted a week or a few… I finally came to the realization that it was time to weapon-up. It was time to medicate. Armed with a natural sleep inducer, I anxiously headed to bed. My head hit the pillow and I impatiently awaited to renew my relationship with sleep. But Insomnia laughed in the face of my impending sleep and left me lying there; head perfectly positioned on my favorite pillow, eyes wide open. I ‘watched’ my body fall asleep leaving my brain and my eyes fully alert and clearly insane.


I will never forget the experience of the next day. I ‘slept’ while I was awake at work. It was the oddest sensation. To anyone else, I looked like a full functioning adult (at least I think I did). But inside, I was sleeping. Literally sleeping. With my eyes wide open and walking around. It was one of those great sleeps too. You know the ones that feel so indescribably relaxing, like an impromptu, much needed afternoon nap? My body was tingling and in total relaxation. I was aware of my limited blinking. It was like walking around in a dream. People were talking to me. I was aware of the sounds that came out of their mouths. And as quickly as their sentences were finished, the whole thing was completely erased from my memory. After countless requests to repeat what was said, I gave up and started to respond based on their facial expressions and hoped for the best. FYI: I work in Customer Service. This was bad. But I was so torn, the sleep – as inconvenient a time as it was – was still sleep. And it was soooo nice. My body was so beautifully, incredibly relaxed. I am ashamed to say, I can’t even share with you the events that took place that day. Let me just say this, it was worse than the time I asked a customer if his parents had any kids 😦

My Insomnia had taken me to a dark place and there was only one thing left to do. It was time for me to turn it over to my Mom. My Mother said to me “Don’t worry” and handed me pills in an unmarked prescription bottle. My Mom is a huge advocate for narcotics….NO! NO! That’s not what I mean! Jeez! That’s my Mother! I mean, she’s a huge advocate for the “don’t ever take anyone else’s prescriptions” message. So before passing me that bottle, she said “Don’t worry, this is an old prescription bottle. I’m putting these (showing me the store-bought package) in this bottle.” I don’t know what she was thinking at that point. I knew she wouldn’t try to poison me. And besides, I would have taken anything. No explanation needed. I hadn’t slept in weeks. I couldn’t function to save my life.



That’s the beautiful natural drug who’s helping me put my life back together. Melatonin, it even sounds like a lullaby.

I have always fully appreciated my sleep. I embraced the whole experience of it; the feel of my pillow, the warmth of my blankets, fresh air from the open window in the summer, the tingly feeling of a fully relaxed body, dreaming,… all of it! I’m so crazy about sleep,Β  I’m not even fond of waking up half the time. Insomnia has taught me that appreciation is not enough, sleep needs to be respected; be gentle – don’t expect to fall asleep at a certain time. Sleep likes gentle persuasion which comes only from turning off the mind and not engaging in vigorous list making.

The moral of the story is this:

Tame the beast within – RESPECT SLEEP. And always listen to your Mother.

Embrace the awesomeness of a good nights rest πŸ™‚

Your comments keep me writing, if you’ve enjoyed this blog, please take a moment to let me know you did πŸ™‚


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β€œTo live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ― Oscar Wilde

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