Taking off the Blinders

It is said that when we reach a place of perfect understanding, we will be shown our life through a new lens; one that will shed light on our darker side in order to see the error of our ways and gain an even deeper understanding of ourselves and life itself. In other words, when you think you’ve got your world figured out, you have an epiphany of sorts that sucker punches you in the face and taunts “you haven’t got a clue!” ….. I think I’ve been sucker punched. I see my darker side.

I’ve genuinely done my best (at least most days) to be a good person. My motto is “As I live each day may I make a difference and touch one heart…each day it is my goal to bring smiles and laughter into a soul.” I do whatever I can to be mindful of other people’s feelings. I believe my gift is seeing the “awesome” in others when they can’t see it in themselves and I take pride in delivering that message to whomever needs it, whenever they need it. Beautiful, right?

The truth is, as much joy as I may have brought to peoples lives, I have caused as much or more pain. I hurt the ones I love deeply. I have unintentionally pushed away everyone I love in one way or another, at one time or another, and I have done it all my life. I have always meant well, and they love me all the same, but I realize I have been sloppy in  my relationships to others.

More times than not, I am so focused my own little world that I lose touch with everything else around me. I miss all the little details that matter. I don’t think about picking something up for someone else while I’m in town. I don’t think about stopping in to see people when I’m doing errands. I don’t think to call to see how an appointment went or to see if someone’s feeling better when they’ve been sick. I don’t think to offer to drive people around when they don’t have a car or lend a helping hand when it’s needed. I will always do my best to help out when asked but, chances are, common sense or not, on my own I won’t even think about helping out. My mind is always preoccupied with “Am I forgetting something?”, “OMG! We’re going to be late!”, “Where is that smell coming from?”, “Why do all the other Moms always look like they have it together?”, “Seriously, what is that smell?”, “I know I’m forgetting something!”, “What do you mean there are no underwear in your drawer?”, “OMG! We are late again!”

When a loved one calls, it’s always a welcome reprieve. However, it’s rare enough for them to receive a call from me ~ other than my Mom, who I will call in bouts of consistency, (if that even makes sense) and when I do, how often have I just asked how she’s doing? For me to call people, I always believe that surely they’ve got better things to do than have idle chat with me. Text messaging as far as I’m concerned, was a true gift to Mother’s everywhere, I can text someone a line or two and they will read and respond when they have a spare moment to do so. No pressure. No worries. We all live busy lives. I don’t ever feel like I’m inconveniencing someone when I shoot off a text. It hadn’t even dawned on me that aside from an occasional text, those who love us need to see our face and hear our voice once in a while to know that they matter.

Why couldn’t I have realized this before my Mama, and my Mother-In-Law passed away? They were two of the nicest people on earth and funny as hell. I loved them both to bits, but rarely visit for surely they would have better things to do than to entertain me!

When my friends need a boost, nothing fills my heart more than to be the provider of that boost. It’s my gift!! However, when I feel a sense of unbalance, I tend to go within. It feels right for me, it gives me time to find my own answers. As comfortable as I am with that tendency, those who I have provided with a boost or two, would love the chance to return the favor once in a while. I hadn’t realized that when I “go within” I put up an invisible wall around me. Sometimes I will “go within” for days, sometimes weeks, however long it takes, I’m usually for the most part MIA. Although carried out with the best of intentions, the fact remains…I’m MIA.

I have now realized it’s a  cycle that’s been there my whole life…

I help others recognize and embrace their inner awesome allowing them to let go of their own judgements. Once they feel awesome and unstoppable, I do too and I decide to take the steps I need to get my life in balance. I vow to get my home in some kind of working order. I realize the magnitude of my incompetence in that area and realize I will never “have it all together” like all the other Moms. I then go within. I recognize that I am my own person, my children love me just the way I am, my husband loves me in spite of it, and most days I’m very happy living my daily life by my own rules flying by the seat of my pants, it keeps everyone entertained. I embrace my awesomeness! And then the cycle repeats…

My friends and my family are the icing on my cake of life 🙂 We always have a blast together. And yet, it’s rare for me to share a normal-everyday-day with them because on a normal-everyday-day I am consumed with trying to make sense of the chaos of daily living, and in order to function, I need a good chunk of solitude every single day. What I have come to realize, is that in order to function as my best self, those who love me need to be a bigger part of that daily living, even if it is in the midst of complete chaos!

I am a good friend, wife, daughter, sister, mother….I am not great in any of those roles, (although I am a pretty good mom…..) there is plenty of room for improvement in each and every relationship.

Taking a look at your life through a different lens is sometimes hard, especially when that lens shows a darker side than you’re used to seeing. The gift is that when we take the time to see another face of the paradigm, we can make any necessary adjustments and learn to embrace our “shadow” as well as our light, for every face makes up the beautiful package that makes us who we are!

Embrace your awesomeness!

Pamela Tourigny

Brand Management, Story Telling, Marketing

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